ATUBGIRL

I’m a day late, but in my defence the reason I didn’t write this yesterday was no I don’t need to explain this to you, shush.

Yesterday was the monthly ATUB meet up, where all those epic people who use Twitter and also happen to live in the glorious city that is Adelaide meet up, drink and talk nonsense. I’ve only ever been to one other meet up, all the way back in October/November, but this was by far more fun and just a little exciting.

The meeting was held at The Highway Hotel where we had multiple tables reserved specially for the event. We rocked out the drinking, drawing on every conceivable surface and remarking on how much of a woman I am for jokingly wearing a skirt. I saw the old faces who I’ve talked to since I don’t know when (although as usual Rubenerd didn’t make an appearance. ONE DAY!), plus a fair few new ones. This is where I segue into a shout out to Brenton, Ash, that FlitterbyG person and that KerryJ person. I also finally met both Cypherage and HugePedlar (The antelope are fat this year) who I have to admit, wasn’t as British as I expected, but was still pretty awesome.

After hours of fun at The Highway and most people had left, the last of us went to the Ed Castle (?) for dinner. It wasn’t as nice a place, but with the meals being just ten dollars I wasn’t really going to complain.  After dinner, we all talked for a little while, before going our separate ways.

Thank you for the fun times guys, it was nice catching up, and meeting the new people. I’m going to try and be more of a regular to these events, and I do promise to be (slightly) less drunk.

Other places you can read about the Feb ‘10 ATUB:

• Harnessed Crayon
• Adelaide Tweeters (I guess you could call this one the “official” post)

There are photos about the place as well:

• Monnie’s Picasa gallery (From which the above photo was “borrowed”. I’ll return it when I’m done!)
• Brenton’s Picasa gallery (Not as big as Monnie’s, but I’m in it so it’s instantly awesome)
• Flitterbyg’s Flickr gallery (I didn’t photobomb any of these ones, but they’re still worth a look :P)
• Aliyaki’s Facebook gallery (She’s too good for Picasa or Flickr, and everyone in her photos seems abnormally happy)
• Hugepedlar created a random video from photos taken that day “introducing” everyone who came, which can be checked out here (you could of used a more flattering photo of me man, I mean, come on!)

More will be added as I find them/can finally load them. CURSE YOU CAPTAIN PLANET HITLER CAPPED INTERNET!

Success.

You know you’ve achieved success when you have your very own hashtag. By you I of course mean me though. No offence.

So hey, you guys rock, and I’ll make my very own “dear diary, ATUB WAS FREAKING AWESOME” post in the coming days, but right now I’m too tired and Star Wars turns me on something shocking.

But when it comes to me, which is what this is all about, make sure you tag your tweets with #whatawhore; because I’m awesome.

Drinking games – Bioshock

Here I am, with the Britt, drinking while playing Bioshock. Googling has revealed no real system for drinking while playing it, unlike movies. So here is the version I’m playing to, if you’re curious.

Drink every time

• You hear “Welcome to the circus of values” or the Mexican voice from the ammo vending machines.
• Atlas says “Would you kindly”.
• When your player gets accidently drunk.
• You find an audio diary.
• You harvest/rescue a little sister.
• You get a level up on the research camera.
• A splicer is heard singing “Jesus loves me this I know, because the bible tells me so”.
• With a successful hack.

While writing this, Britt of course tortured me but finding two audio diaries, accidently getting drunk AND levelling up on the research camera. And of just two seconds ago, she got a successful hack. If I don’t make it through today, tell my family I love them.

One of its many features

The final piece of writing in my fantastic series of wonderful writings from years ago. This is the earliest dated one, from the start of July 2008.

I use MSN Messenger everyday. I hate making phone calls, and other than that there isn’t much other way to talk to everyone I know. So, most days I am on the internet, chatting away to various people; being social without needing to get off my ass.
More often than not though, I might go do something else away from the computer. I watch TV and dvds, might play a computer game on the other computer, or I might go out. MSN caters to such needs so I don’t need to worry about having to sign out all the time; instead I can just switch my status from online to something like "Busy", "Away", or "Out To Lunch". As a habit I normally just list myself as being away, because, I am.
What gets to me is I could set my status to away, and people still talk. It’s alright if I’m set to away but still at the computer, but when they hold entire conversations and get pissed at me for ignoring them, then I get irritated. The last thing I want to come home to after a night out is several convo’s that go like this:
Girl1: hi
Girl1: what u doing
Girl1: this sucks
Girl1: hi
Girl1: im bored
Girl1: hi again
Girl1: i talked to a brick wall today
Girl1: well i triede and u gave up so i cant do it
Girl2: hi
Girl2: hru
Girl2: hello???
Girl2: y arnt u tlkn
Girl2: do u hate me?
Girl2: y do u hate me
Girl3: Hello
Girl3: How are you?
Girl3: I’m bored :P
Girl3: I really need to talk to you…
Girl3: Well fuck you then.
To which I usually reply (whether they are signed in at this point or not):
"See the status? It is set to Away. Another way of saying Away is to say ‘I AM NOT HERE, DO NOT BOTHER TALKING BECAUSE YOU WILL NOT GET A REPLY AS THE PERSON YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO START A CONVERSATION WITH, IS CURRENTLY NOT HERE.’"
First off, girls overreact WAY too much.
Second off, what the fuck is the point of having "status" changes in MSN if no-one is going to bother paying attention to them? I set my status like that so dumbass people know I’m not there, and WON’T think I’m ignoring them. What is the fucking point then, if people ignore the status?

Famines are caused by people like me.

Another short piece of writing from July of 2008. I remember this quite vividly actually.

When I’m stoned, apparently cooking just enough pasta for me and my friend isn’t enough. No, I have to cook enough for the entire of Australia.
ALL MY FUCKING PASTA.
IN THE FUCKING HOUSE.
COOKED FOR NO REASON.
I even forgot to like, wrap it up and put it in the fridge. I have to throw it out because it’s probably crawling with some disease that would make me grow a vagina or something. Fuck.

A Smell Strong Enough To Rip A Hole In Time And Space

This piece of ancient writing is from all the way back in July of 2008, when I was working as a checkout dick at Foodland. Wow.

I am writing this literally minutes after serving a customer with THE strongest B.O I have ever smelled. It was worse than the smell of a sweating feminist after she jogged to a rally protesting against air conditioning on a hot summers day. On a volcano. An active. volcano. The smell of that woman after all that sweating would be nothing compared to what was standing before me at that moment.
I was completely taken aback by the power of her odour, to the point that I had to actually pause to take in what was happening.
I just couldn’t fathom how someone would let themselves stink THAT MUCH. Fighting back tears as the smell stung my eyes, I started her sale, hoping with all my might that her problem was simply a one off; that she might of simply run out of deodorant and was buying some more today.
As she put her stuff on the checkout belt, I saw she was grouping her items, frozens together, bread together, meat together, etc. This also meant that her toiletries would be together, so i could easily catch sight of whether or not she was buying any deodorant. As her sale moved on, and I coughed repeatedly as the foul taste invaded my mouth, I was dismayed to find no deodorant in her hygene and cleaning stuff. Still retaining some hope, I fought off the feeling of the odour destroying my tastebuds, and asked "Do you have any other chemicals I can add to this bag; like dishwashing detergent, or maybe deodorant?"
I smirked because of how obvious I was being.
Oh god…
This was inhuman. Jesus must of been weeping at this point; he did not die so people could smell like this! I decided to just finish the sale ASAP an be rid of this hell.
I got to the end of the seemingly endless stream of items, when another, mildy nicer smell, became noticable to me…
"Excuse me, you grabbed a leaking bleach."
She took a look at it and said "Oh wow, I couldn’t even smell it!"
Gee, I wonder why.
To effectively cut this story off at the knees (because even THINKING about the smell makes me ill), we got her bleach replaced which meant she had to hang around longer. At that point her sale was at $200. TWO HUNDRED FUCKING DOLLARS AND SHE COULDNT BUY EVEN ONE STICK OF ROLLON. What the fuck was wrong with her? I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want her to go into a big speil about the ozone layer or anything, because then she would of lingered LONGER.
Hopefully I never have to serve her again.

Birds

Yet another piece of old writing I just uncovered from October 2008.

I saw a dead bird’s corpse and it made me wonder. I know seagulls attempt to fly out to sea when dead because Ned Flanders told me, but how do all these birds we see around our neighbourhoods die? Surely they, like seagulls, know when they’re close to going. If they do, I’m disappointed they waste it sitting on a telephone wire waiting to drop off.
Personally if I were a bird, i’d die doing something I enjoy, like shitting on someone midair. Wouldn’t it be brilliant if I could time it right so I hit the person, then while he’s reeling from the shock of being shat on, he gets hit by a dead bird?
Better yet, die during mating, so when I fall off dead from pleasure, the tipping of my deadweight causes the other bird to fall too; hilarity. This would only work if I were the male of course. Pretty sure a male would have no issue humping a dead bird then flying away with a look of satisfaction on it’s face. That thought is disturbing.

Fuck Max Payne

Holy crap, I just found something on the world wide interwebs; writings by myself from almost two years ago. As in, before I had an actual blog. If I can find any more, I’ll post them on here. For now, here is a “review” of the Max Payne movie. You know the one, the one with Mark Whalberg.

Today, I went and watched the atrocity that is Max Payne, starring Mark Whalberg.
I’m not exactly sure what it is that makes such a good actor as Wahlberg take on such shitty roles, but I wish he’d stop already.
For those unfamiliar with Max Payne, he is the "hero" in the game of the same name. The plots of the movie and game both have similar traits. Max came home to find his family dead at the hands of drug addicts. He spends the next few years constantly seeking retribution; investigating dead-end leads which eventually reveal plot points and twists, and then the end. The directors and writers try to move the plot towards different scenarios than the game, keeping the movie from being too much like its electronic counterpart. This is where the movie falls short though.
The movie seems to go on forever, leaving me more frustrated than wowed at the slow motion action sequences. During these scenes of course, the movie seems to act ALOT like a computer game. Max is amazingly blessed with unlimited ammo, and has dead-on accuracy, where-as his enemies have worse aim than the stormtroopers from Star Wars and lack almost any ammo in their weapons. Payne moves up each level of whatever building he’s moving through, until he reaches the end level "boss". Also, any injuries he MAY sustain the scene before are magically forgotten about, as if he picked up a health pack on the way.
The movie left me confused when BAM! Demons were suddenly attacking everyone. Like what the hell! There were never demons in the game. Makes no sense at all, and doesn’t contribute anything real to the movie, except for a chance to throw a heap of special effects in our faces.
So Max Payne goes all dark-side as he probes people and eventually gets to the root of it all (which I’m not going to ruin, just in case you want to expose yourself to this deplorable excuse of a movie). He almost dies but takes an experimental super-addictive drug which the bad guys coincidently gave him, and this saves him from hypothermia somehow. Also, it makes him see burning ashes instead of snow, and demons start flying overhead as if hell were suddenly taking over the city. The drug gives him the power to shoot his way through EVERYTHING, and forget about his wounds even quicker. "OH I GOT HIT BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER…NOTHING REALLY MATTERS…TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". No matter how many shots are landed on him, he just keeps on moving, like the drug turned him into some Jason Vorhees/Michael Myers hybrid.
I refuse to talk about this any longer or reveal any more. Go see it for yourself if you want to put yourself through that misery.
Max Payne needs to lay off the motherfucking drugs.

The Amount

I have no hair. This makes everything I say in this post important and you should take it all in.

The Amount.
The Amount.
The Amount.
Mount The A.

The Amount is a YouTube show of two people talking complete shit about stuff that no-one understands. Why is this important? BECAUSE IT’S AWESOME. One of the stars of the show is a mate of mine, and I decided to give it a watch the other day. It’s a hilarious show where they display a lack of dignity, a love of stupidity, and a considerable lack of carton-humping (which may or may not be a good thing).

CHECK OUT SOME PROMO GLORY. 

Her face kind of scares me there.

So why did I feel the need to make a pointless post about this? Because they need subscribers. And I want more people to feast on their videos. Or you could just watch them, I don’t care either way.

Anyway, click this link.

Hairstyle Homicide

Today, a good friend who has stuck by me through the years, died. Goodnight sweet prince.

This is worth watching, if just to see me get slapped across the face at 1:09-1:10.

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