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How To Fail At Girls

A disjointed recounting of my past and present experiences with the opposite sex, and an overall self reflective storytelling experience.
I do ask that you acquiant yourself with the Disclaimer Post before reading any of the stories beforehand.

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Lesson #1

Never show a girl your list of sexual conquests.*

*This becomes more important if it turns out this girl belongs on the list, and you’ve forgotten her. One thing people hate being more than objectified is being missed out.

Stop, Think.

Ok, we all have those moments where something comes out of your mouth and everyone goes into awkward silence mode. “Did you really just say that?” gets mouthed as some point, or everyone laughs to alleviate how quiet it just got.

I do this all the time, most memorably with the opposite sex. As someone who dwells on his stupidity and possible stupidity, these stick in my head and I remember them quite vividly. This is a small list of some of the stupider things I’ve said. Some are a bit assholey, but it really isn’t the intention desired at the time.

1. “You know what, your chin is really shiny.” – I was overly honest to my female friend. I’ve learned.
2. “Oh man I’m really going to regret having sex with you when I sober up.” – Yes I really did say that. For the record I didn’t mean it.
3. “Do you or your cleavage want to hit or stand on fifteen?” –  Said during blackjack school to get a trainees attention while her head was in the clouds. Overly effective.
4. ‘”You DO seem easy.” – A general comment to this flirty girl who was talking about hooking up.

Ok I know that was only four, but it’s really hard to find events that can be transcribed on here in a way that makes sense. ANYWAY! If you have your own moments like that to share, or if you’re a girl I’ve wronged in this way, please share what happened in the comments.

The first kiss (Borat cockblocks)

I have to admit, I was a late bloomer when it came to my first kiss…and the act of losing my virginity for that matter, but we’ll get to that one another time. Why did I just call that an act? I have no idea.

The scene unfolded during the Gawler Christmas Festival. I had just finished work and a semi-regular customer, her name escapes me nowadays but I know it started with a J (For all intent and purposes of the story, she shall be called Jess), happened to be outside of BP when I left. She was a curvy girl, and the few times she’d come in she would stop and chat to me for a little while before heading off again. Saying hi, we ended up introducing ourselves properly and as can happen, we naturally fell into hanging out with each other for the day,
We walked up and down looking at the stalls, and I was being a random idiot, swinging around a plastic sword and being childish. To me this was just someone who knew me to a degree as the “guy behind the counter at BP”, and she had nothing better to do at the time. I was in the mood to go watch a movie, and invited her along with me. We went to the cinema, and the only movie that was about to start that neither of us had seen was “Borat”.

Going in to the theatre and sitting down, Jess brought out her phone to check the time. Quick as a flash, I had it in my hands and was looking through pictures and photos. I had a habit of doing that, as I’m sure others do too. Looking through, I found porn, which made me laugh a bit, then the movie started so we had to quiet down. She asked for her phone, and being in a mood where defiance seemed funny to me, I refused. A small struggle ensued but she still couldn’t get it off me. I held it tauntingly in front of her, and she reached for it only for me to playfully hold it away from her hand. Jess kept moving towards it but I held it out behind me, out of her reach. We were both facing each other in our seats so I could make sure the phone was kept away. Jess moved forward until she couldn’t anymore without ramming face first into me. She paused, and I joked that she was too chicken to get her phone.
Misinterpretation was the key here. She thought I was flirting with her, and I guess to a degree I was, because she whispered, “You think so?” and a split second later she was latched on my face like a face hugger from Alien. Except instead of laying an egg inside me that would inevitably hatch into a predatory alien and burst through my ribcage causing excruciating pain quickly followed by death, her tongue explored the inside of my mouth.

Going back a few steps, this was not how I expected my first kiss to happen. I always expected it to be an awkward event. I’d take a girl out for dinner, and after the date, we’d hug, then there’d be that awkward kiss that isn’t quite a peck, but isn’t exactly a long-lasting event. This was nothing like that. I was being orally probed by a randomly girl I’d really only met that day and I had no idea what to do. So I kissed her back. I had no idea what I was doing, so I let her go for gold while I just mirrored whatever she did.
All the while, Borat was playing in the background. We’d momentarily glance to see what was happening, before tuning back into the more important matter at hand. I was starting to fall into a groove here, so i just went with instinct, taking control of the kissing and checking her dental work. Suddenly, hand went on breast. I startled myself with that, and didn’t know what to do. She stopped kissing me long enough to whisper, “Oh naughty,” in my ear, and we took that moment to tune back into what was happening in Borat:

…We didn’t know what to do. More importantly, I didn’t.
Do I keep kissing her? This whole scene is pretty disgusting, but I was enjoying kissing her. This is sort of hypnotizing though; I want to look away but I can’t. Oh god, what is that? Why is this happening? I want to cry.

This was the basic thought pattern going through my head, along with some awkward laughter from both of us. We kept making out for awhile but it felt too weird. We ended up stopping in favour of watching the rest of the movie, and that was it. Afterwards we swapped phone numbers and parted ways, but after some sporadic text messaging we lost contact with each other and that was that I guess. I don’t know where Jess is, and as you can see I don’t even remember her real name, but I remember this day pretty well, and that says something I guess (that Borat is effective at killing the mood in any situation).

My first girlfriend. (Final)

This story was separated into three basic parts, because as a first relationship it wasn’t exceptionally…I wasn’t experienced enough to make it into anything exceptional. I was a scared awkward puppy, and that led me to being an unfortunately inadequate boyfriend who really didn’t understand anything happening in relation to myself and Charlotte, but everything comes to an end.

I felt good having a girlfriend. Just saying it, letting those words roll off my tongue, felt good. But, I was stupid, and in my foolish obliviousness, it all collapsed. As you can see from how short this story has been, the memories aren’t exactly perfect, nor is my recollection. However, this is what I remember of the last real time I “hung out” with her and pretty much the last time I went to Youth Group.
I remember going to the House that Youth is held, and hanging out. Charlotte was being all quiet, and unresponsive. We all went outside and I tried to talk to her, but she’d barely respond. It was weird, and scared me a little, but I figured there had to be a reasonable explanation. That night, I called her. And we talked, and I walked outside to continue talking. I remember standing near the backyard gate when I got the bombshell; she’d hooked up with her friend’s brother the night previous and wanted to break up. It was a no resolution situation. I was confused and hurt…mainly confused. I had no real grasp on everything, and felt like I was the one who’d done something wrong.
Of course, in a way I was. I was guilty of needing puberty of the brain. However, that wouldn’t happen for a long while. I turn out to be what you’d call a late bloomer.

Anticlimactic ending to the story? Well, it was anticlimactic for me as well at the time. But this is how my first relationship really ended, much to my dissatisfaction.

My first girlfriend (Part 2.1)

This is a random situation that occurred, and by itself seems just foolish. But looking back, in the grand scheme of things, would of attributed to the downfall of the relationship. This is a brief post which segues into the next story, and if it weren’t for that fact I wouldn’t even mention it.

Both Charlotte and I had a friend in common called Anna. They had gone to the same school together for a little while, before Anna started at Nuriootpa, then I met her. She was a funny weirdo, but in a good way. I did enjoy talking to her, and while I only really saw her because she stalked me before school, it was good to have extra company.
Now, I ended up at a different, larger Youth Group this one night, it was a sort of combined effort of several groups, into one big one. I’d gone because Charlotte was going to be there, and I had a gift for her in the form of a bracelet. The day was fairly basic; I hung out, awkwardly gave her the bracelet, then continued hanging out. I felt out of place at the event until Anna arrived, I hung out and caught up with her for a little while.
Then, the next scene I remember is the clincher. Both Anna and Charlotte were sharing a lift home, and I walked outside with them to the car. At that point, I hugged Anna, and went to hug Charlotte, but thoughts went through my mind. She was on the other side of the car, if I went to hug her, would that come off as weird?, and before I could get up the courage to go over and give her a hug, she was in the car. This is a perfect example of how bad I am. I can hug Anna, but I couldn’t work up the courage to hug my own “girlfriend”.

Bad? YOU BE THE JUDGE, BECAUSE I AM CLEARLY BIAS.

My first girlfriend. (Part 2)

Where we left off, I’d just gotten asked out by my friend. Technically it was her friend asking FOR her, but it’s the same thing, right? What occurred after can only be described as the most awkward experience someone as immature as me, with no experience with the opposite sex, could go through. Next to coming out of the toilet to accidently find myself in the girl’s change room; door on the other side of the room, and roughly ten nekkid women in between.
You might of thought that was a metaphor for something, but I just wanted the chance to say nekkid.

I’d started going out with Charlotte, if you could really call it that. Going out consisted of sitting next to each other awkwardly smiling and making small talk. Occasionally we held hands, but that was as far as it went.
Our first date we went and saw a movie, I can’t remember what. During the movie, I did the stupid thing, and leaned over to her, and whispered in her ear that I love her. I had no idea about the concept of love, and I still don’t really, but the fact I said it then was especially foolish. Sitting here looking back, I’m overcome with the urge to make my forehead repeatedly connect with my desk.
After the movie, I was incredibly nervous. I had no idea why, or what to do, or what to say. We stood in the hallway of the cinema looking at each other and being mildly awkward. We hugged, and after a while decided to go for a short walk. I don’t remember much after that; there was a brief holding of hands during the walk, a mobile phone going off that wasn’t ours even though no one was around (spooky), and nervous rambling about everything possible. Then her mother picked her up, and that was that. The end of my first date with Charlotte, and it was rather anticlimactic.

My first girlfriend. (Part 1)

When I read that title I immediately picture a product marketed by Fisher-Price. But this is the story of how I ended up in my first relationship with a girl. Of course in my immaturity I had little to no concept of what was actually happening, or what to do. But I was happy I got a girlfriend.

I met her for the first time when I was in year 10 at school (making me 15 at the time), at a Lutheran youth group. I’m not Lutheran, in fact I’m hardly religious at all. I was christened a Roman Catholic, but am effectively a practicing Atheist. I’m not sure how you can actively practice Atheism, but I’m pretty sure I do. I went to the group’s weekly gathering because I’d been invited by a girl called Charlotte over msn. She was a friend of some mates from school, so I thought why not.
While there, I had a bit too much caffeine from the local deli, and went a bit stupid. I hadn’t learned to cope with caffeine like I do now, so having a two litre bottle of coke to myself wasn’t the smartest thing at the time. I jumped around, laughed at everything that happened (funny or not…but I always do that). At some point I ended up wearing a dress too, with the peaks of two caps being used to simulate breasts. I was quite the pillar of maturity back then. It was an overall fun day/night, and I came back for the event each time over the next couple of months. Skating and the like was pretty fun, even though I couldn’t do much other than ollie (and hey, I ended up being able to heel flip, I consider that an achievement!). I didn’t really talk to Charlotte much in person, but when we spoke via msn or text messaging we talked a storm. She was a great laugh and was really cool too. I really liked her and she was easy to talk to.
Then while at home one day, I received an unexpected text message, of course from a number I didn’t know. In it, the person confessed to being one of Charlotte’s friends and she was asking me out for Charlotte. I of course, accepted gleefully. And that was the start of my first relationship, throwing me into what would be the first relationship of my life.

The “Disclaimer”

Ok, there’s a few things that I feel I need to go over before we can do anything.

• Bias. I’m one side of every story told, and I don’t have the mind of the other person. Stories will naturally be told from my perspective, and as such, will be different from the “other” person(s) view and what actually happened. You know the saying, “There are three sides to every story, your side, their side, and the truth.” I will try to cover everything needed, as I don’t want the wrong message to come across in stories.
• Missing information. Still really about the perspective thing. Because this is based on my own experience, it may not be everything that happened, or the reasons I assume caused situations, may be incorrect. If this comes to light I’ll fix it, otherwise I assume the story I tell to be accurate. If someone that is part of a story wishes to put forward their version of what happened, I will gladly post it for display.
• Respect. If someone that features in a story comes forward and informs me that they feel a story is wrong, makes them uncomfortable, or is just plain insulting to them and I think it’s reasonable complaint, I will remove or edit said story. I do not feel negatively towards any of these people anymore (I may of at the time a story was set), and do not want to create unnecessary bother.

As more things of this nature come up, I’ll add them to this post.

Introducing

How To Fail At Girls; the blog I wouldn’t shut up about doing. This is basically a chronicling of my past endeavours with the opposite sex, so you can effectively see how bad I am with them. I can’t guarantee any specific style of writing, or what will be covered.
The topic is very touch and go due to the obvious personal subject matter. It can be assumed that certain things will be omitted regardless of whether or not it is beneficial to the story at hand, and for that I do apologize. While I’m willing to tell a fair bit of stuff, I’m apprehensive of revealing or flaunting things that other people might consider private for them.
There’ll be a lot of topics covered, from the girls themselves, breakups, and some self evaluating (and probably a few self depreciating) discussion, and while I’ll try to keep them in some sort of order, they’ll probably just be written as they come to me.

I can’t say when the first “story” will be posted, but bare with me.