Fuck Max Payne

Holy crap, I just found something on the world wide interwebs; writings by myself from almost two years ago. As in, before I had an actual blog. If I can find any more, I’ll post them on here. For now, here is a “review” of the Max Payne movie. You know the one, the one with Mark Whalberg.

Today, I went and watched the atrocity that is Max Payne, starring Mark Whalberg.
I’m not exactly sure what it is that makes such a good actor as Wahlberg take on such shitty roles, but I wish he’d stop already.
For those unfamiliar with Max Payne, he is the "hero" in the game of the same name. The plots of the movie and game both have similar traits. Max came home to find his family dead at the hands of drug addicts. He spends the next few years constantly seeking retribution; investigating dead-end leads which eventually reveal plot points and twists, and then the end. The directors and writers try to move the plot towards different scenarios than the game, keeping the movie from being too much like its electronic counterpart. This is where the movie falls short though.
The movie seems to go on forever, leaving me more frustrated than wowed at the slow motion action sequences. During these scenes of course, the movie seems to act ALOT like a computer game. Max is amazingly blessed with unlimited ammo, and has dead-on accuracy, where-as his enemies have worse aim than the stormtroopers from Star Wars and lack almost any ammo in their weapons. Payne moves up each level of whatever building he’s moving through, until he reaches the end level "boss". Also, any injuries he MAY sustain the scene before are magically forgotten about, as if he picked up a health pack on the way.
The movie left me confused when BAM! Demons were suddenly attacking everyone. Like what the hell! There were never demons in the game. Makes no sense at all, and doesn’t contribute anything real to the movie, except for a chance to throw a heap of special effects in our faces.
So Max Payne goes all dark-side as he probes people and eventually gets to the root of it all (which I’m not going to ruin, just in case you want to expose yourself to this deplorable excuse of a movie). He almost dies but takes an experimental super-addictive drug which the bad guys coincidently gave him, and this saves him from hypothermia somehow. Also, it makes him see burning ashes instead of snow, and demons start flying overhead as if hell were suddenly taking over the city. The drug gives him the power to shoot his way through EVERYTHING, and forget about his wounds even quicker. "OH I GOT HIT BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER…NOTHING REALLY MATTERS…TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE". No matter how many shots are landed on him, he just keeps on moving, like the drug turned him into some Jason Vorhees/Michael Myers hybrid.
I refuse to talk about this any longer or reveal any more. Go see it for yourself if you want to put yourself through that misery.
Max Payne needs to lay off the motherfucking drugs.

Infallibility

There’s a certain stereotype held by customers in all establishments, for the service they get to be perfect. The person serving/assisting/giving them a blowjob has to perform with absolutely no mistakes otherwise how dare you slip up hare you new do you even know how to do your job YOUR MANAGER IS GOING TO HEAR OF YOUR IGNORANCE.

This shits me off in so many ways.

The idea that a person just like them has to be able to flawlessly do a task everytime is beyond me. Yes as an employee there is an expectation to do the job assigned to you, and to do it well, but it’s understandable that the person working may make a mistake, the same way the customer is just as likely to make some sort of error. It’s human. The person behind the counter/in the uniform/swallowing isn’t a robot, and is going to make mistakes. Live with it.

Blah. How do you feel about this sort of thing?

South Australian Election is Poop.

I could post my opinion about the laws that have been passed requiring anyone who talks about the South Australian state elections has to post certain details about themselves. This in itself is dumb, and while I could write a whole article about it, I’m just too lazy. Also lets face it, I’m not going to talk about the State Elections except to say I don’t care anymore. I tried paying attention to local and national politics and all it did was irritate and anger me.

Plus I’m not the best writer in the world anyway. I’d much rather go play some Team Fortress 2. You should join me.

The only reason Rubenerd didn’t do this is he doesn’t have the mad photoshopping skills I possess. 

Because I am still opposed to the idea of our ability to say whatever the fuck we want on the website we pay for being censored, I will link to two of the more intelligent local bloggers – Rubenerd and Tarale (the latter of which includes links to other related posts. It’s like a little pyramid of links.)

My name is James Clark, my postcode is NTExOA==* and I think this whole situation is retarded. Good day to you sir.

 

 

*Mad encryption skills.

Conspiracy Guy

As a worker at a casino, I play blackjack and other games with a whole variety of different people. Many people go there just for fun every once in a while, but there are a few particularly memorable “regulars” that I always seem to end up playing with. Not knowing their names, I’m forced to come up with my own nicknames for them, such as Overly Religious Guy.

This post is dedicated to one customer, who I’ve dubbed Conspiracy Guy. He’s really nice and polite, but unfortunately blessed with the view that the casino’s game odds are against the player. I mean, he’s right; the casino’s game odds are different to true odds, because how else would a casino derive a profit? The problem is, his theories are really out there.

Now, I’ve only ever dealt blackjack and pontoon to CG, so I’m not sure if he has theories concerning other games. I’ve never seen him play anything else apart from those and ironically, pokies, anyway.
Conspiracy Guy believes that the machines we have on the table to constantly shuffle the cards, are counting the cards.
The shuffling machines are there for at least two reasons. Reason number one, is that with all the cards constantly active and not in the discard rack, it’s impossible to count cards. Also, we don’t ever need to shuffle, ensuring the game is constantly in motion and the casino makes more money. In training, we got shown the insides of the machines, and got shown how it shuffles; it’s all completely random. Of course, telling him that is impossible, because any argument made against him just gets thrown aside because he’s been playing “for x amount of years”.
That being said, he has the theory that it somehow counts the cards and organizes them, counts how many bets there are, how much is being bet, and what boxes are open. From there, the people upstairs also alter the shuffling machine in their computers, much like in The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas, when the head of the casino had a switch that could make all the games win, and all the games lose (but apparently more complicated).
If you take too long to start the hand after he has placed his bets (5 seconds) he gets fidgety and will start randomly grabbing his bets back, throwing more chips on, and opening and closing boxes because he thinks this will “throw the people upstairs off”. Spoiler: it never works. It’s quite amusing to watch though.
Conspiracy Guy never used to be this bad, but over time he seems to have gotten more and more paranoid about how the casino works.

The trick with all his theories is that they can’t be true, or we’d be breaking laws and legislation set by the Government to stop this very stuff. We have a Government Inspector in the casino all the time making sure we do everything above the line, and when we introduce something like the shuffling machines (which are made by a whole different company to us), they have to be checked to make sure they comply with legislation. If they didn’t, we’d end up as corrupt as the casinos in the movies (which is probably where Conspiracy Guy gets his ideas from).

The photo used is from the SkyCity Adelaide website; amateur photos aren’t allowed to be taken inside the gaming areas of the Casino, making it difficult to get a suitable image for this post.

Do you have Flybys?

Rubenerd’s latest post about getting a Woolworths “Everyday Rewards” card got me thinking about the way people are so adverse to loyalty and reward cards in general. I’ve never quite understood it.

I’ve always loved the idea of the cards; I’m going to buy the thing regardless, so why NOT get something as a bonus. I have quite a few cards of this nature, and they all give me a little something extra without seemingly any downside.

I’ve heard a few excuses for not wanting them, the most popular of which being that they create clutter, and that their primary use is to track you tin hat style. Both excuses are rather foolish.
The idea that they cause clutter just says to me that person has no skills with organization. You don’t need to keep every card in your wallet at all times. Keep them all in a drawer or something, and when you plan to use the services attached to it, grab it for the trip. It’s that simple.
As for the tracking idea, a fun fact is that for a few of them, they do, but not always in the negative way people perceive it. The stats they collect isn’t just so they can simply send a heap of advertising your way, but so they can improve as a company and make more money. By collecting basic statistics they learn where they earn more money, and where they lack. It’s like an ever-present customer service survey. People use the card for the “rewards”, and companies get the information they used to rarely get when someone might by chance decide to fill out a questionnaire. Sure, some companies use the information for the wrong thing, but I for one haven’t had any trouble with the programs I’ve joined, and the benefits of some of the cards are unmistakably good.

Hudsons Coffee’s card takes ten percent of every purchase and turns it into credit of sorts. Essentially this rewards me with one free drink for every ten I buy. Joining the program, I had to give basic details including my email address, and the card came with enough starter credit for a free drink initially. Since then I’ve only gotten one email from them. Isn’t a bad trade for some free coffee.

I remember when I worked at BP, and I’d offer people who filled up on LPG to join the “Autogas Rewards Program”, which gives anyone with a card two cents off the litre. The worst thing was how suspicious people got over such an offer. The reason was the obvious “you never get something for nothing” paranoia, but if people thought, they’d realize they aren’t, and that it’s not a bad thing. The person would join the program, and get the card, allowing them to get the discount on LPG for their car. In turn, BP gets a loyal customer who will keep coming back BECAUSE of the discount. There’s your reward, and there’s your cost. The reward outweighs the “cost”.

Basically, with so much crapping on about how tight money is these days for everyone, I constantly wonder why so many people will turn down free things like this. There is no major downside to such great deals. I mean, we’re talking about guaranteed discounts and rewards for simply being a loyal shopper; it could be worse.

Why do you avoid the cards?

Zombies; a thought

I was thinking the other day; how do Zombies survive? Yes, I know they consume the flesh of the living, and so forth, but really, think about it.

The “survivors” hide, and fight off the undead, and managed to keep going. Now we can assume that the zombies eventually will outweigh the population of survivors at least 10000:1, as dictated by most post apocalyptic movies of this nature. Now, as a moving “living” entity, food is needed to keep energy up. Movement takes energy, and so the more energy used, the more “fuel” needed.

Now, for the record, 28 Days Later and it’s sequel are not adequate reference for this idea, as the “infected” in that movie weren’t actually dead, but simply infected with a disease (“rage”) that overrode all intelligence and left the person with nothing but anger. Those people were in the end defeated because they starved to death, a side affect of having their ability to pick up some food and eat it erased from their brains. They just attacked.

Now, the undead KNOW to eat, it’s just their diets consist purely of your sweet, sweet cranial juices. But when the basic population of people have been feasted on or turned into the undead themselves, where do they get their feed from? They can’t just stop eating, because regardless of the fact that they may be dead, the body still needs fuel to move.

I can only assume that after awhile, the zombie just lays the fuck down and pretty much goes to sleep. It’s the only logical thing. No more food, no more energy. Because they’re already dead, they can never really die, but they would lose all ability to do anything apart from stare out in hunger. Of course, this gives survivors ample ability to simply wander out and kill them with ease.

With this in mind, it seems the living will inevitably conquer the undead, right? Or do you disagree? I will fight you, via the comments section below.

Brüno

So today I saw the movie.

The basic storyline is the main character goes to America to make a show, and makes everyone feel awkward, and puts them in silly situations that make the people involved look like racists, sexists, homophobes and dumbasses. There was a few places that made you cringe at how distasteful the scene actually was, but for the most part wasn’t too bad.
He of course brought someone with him to help with the creation of the show, but after awhile things got a bit hairy, leading to an inevitable fight and going separate ways. After flying solo for a bit, it becomes apparent that they need each other. Borat and his manager-wait, I’m mixed up…

Brüno is pretty much an exact copy of the Borat movie, albeit with an Austrian accent and a lot more penis. The essential plot outlined above is the same for both movies, meaning you could watch the movie partway through, walk out, and know you didn’t miss anything. Brüno has it’s moments though, with references to Mel Gibson (who Brüno affectionately refers to as “The Fuhrer”), and the attempt to make a sex tape with Ron Paul. However, this doesn’t save the movie. I just thank god it was short.

If you’re interested in watching this movie, don’t be. And if you plan on getting it on DVD, just buy two copies of Borat; it’s the same fucking thing.

Look at me, being all frugal

While I don’t write on here as often as I want, I’m almost always on here in the admin controls, fiddling with the backend of my blog. Oh innuendo. ANYWAY, I love all the different widgets and features, but one of my favourite things is my theme. I followed a link tweeted by ProBlogger, and it led me to the Frugal Theme.

What you see on this site is the basic free Frugal Theme, with only minor alterations in the form of the changed logo at the top, and some widgets added to the sidebar. It’s built with the idea of being as clean and simple a Wordpress theme as it could. And it works. I love the layout, how neat it is, and how easy tweaking has been made. Through an options page users can enable features such as the customized logo, default fonts, input Google Analytics code without touching the theme programming, and other such features. The man behind the theme, Eric Hamm, has done a lot to ensure that users get the best experience possible.
The best part about this theme is that this is just the free version, and isn’t lacking like you’d expect, to make you buy the premium version. I refuse to spend money where I don’t have to, taking the free alternative where possible. Most of the time this proves a waste of time though because I end up with trials or things lacking so much in features it proves more a burden than a convenience. Most have tags on them screaming to “buy the full version now” and so forth, but this is one of those few things that don’t, and that just makes me love it more, to the point that I’m planning to buy said full version.
Of course, buying it means I have to cough up around $80, so it probably won’t happen for awhile, but it’s definitely a planned purchase; Frugal Theme is worth it.

You can be totally cool like me, and download the theme’s free version from here, or you could splurge just to one up me, and buy the premium version here.

A good read (the 31DBBB eBook)

The other day, I bought the eBook 31 Days To Build A Better Blog, and it has given me plenty of ideas, and helped me lots in my blogging.

I love blogging, but often, in particular on my other blog WolfingTime, I have trouble coming up with new content. This results in either long gaps in my posts, or a complete loss of interest, which happened to a few of my other blogging endeavours. I’ve been determined to not let that happen again, but it’s hard. I’ve been reading other blogs to get ideas and helpful tips on blogging. The most helpful site of which I’ve come across is Problogger, which I coincidently came upon just after the start of a blogging program where every day the author posted a new task. These tasks allowed those involved in the program, or just the casual reader, to improve their blog with strategic exercises, and instructions on types of blog posts to make.
Reading it, I found many ideas that were completely unique to me, including an entire post on going shopping to improve your blog; despite being unusual, that was informative and quite a brilliant idea.

To top off how well done the program was, Darren Rowse made the entire thing available in the form of a professional looking 31DBBB eBook. Buying it set me back roughly twenty dollars, but it’s so far been worth it. It’s given me a reference for blogging that I can do in my own time; which in the case of WolfingTime is one post a week. It’s amazing because it even has several ways to get past writers block; which is evil.
As a final addition, Problogger encourages buyers to subscribe to an email newsletter which sends additional tasks for the program as time goes on, a nice little touch which keeps the 31DBBB fresh.

Being obsessed with blogs, it’s definitely a good cheap read for me, and it’s definitely worth plenty more than what it’s being sold for. I’m really happy I bought it.

But…but…The Chaser’s skit was funny!

I’m a big fan of The Chaser, in particular their War On Everything show. I have the first two seasons on DVD, and have watched them numerous times; even with the commentary on. I am a massive Chaser’s nerd. Unfortunately, having been subject to work hours that prevent me watching late night TV, I’ve missed the latest season, but that’s not to say I’ve missed the controversy that always seems to come with their project.

The thing causing a big stink this season is a minute long sketch where they poke fun at the “Make A Wish Foundation”, called the “Make A Realistic Wish Foundation”.

I thought it was funny, up until the very last line, which made me cringe a little. Just a little. “Why go to any trouble, when they’re only going to die anyway”. You can hear the audience themselves going OWWWWW in the background the moment the line leaves Chris Taylor’s lips. The response doesn’t end there though; many MANY people have expressed outrage at the skit, and it’s resulted in the ABC suspending the show for two weeks. Kind of depressing because, as has been pointed out by a few people, the ABC should of reviewed the material before it was aired, as they’ve done in the past (and because of some stunts that The Chaser has done in the past, one can assume they are probably still doing it). Many of The Chaser’s plans have been thwarted by the ABC saying “Yeah, you can’t do that”. So why not this time?

It sucks to hear that the show has been suspended, but thankfully, not cancelled. I look forward to being able to watch one of the later episodes in coming weeks.

Also; I laughed at the entire skit. I must clearly be an evil underling of Satan himself.

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