This will be a weird post, I’m writing about shit I don’t like to, but it’s something I feel the urge to put in written form. If you don’t want an insight into my often contradictory mind, look away. Chances are later on there’ll be a post contradicting stuff in this, but hey, welcome to the realm that is me.
I have the worst sleeping pattern due to my job. I work nights ensuring due to train timetables, that I don’t get home until seven in the morning at the earliest. Then it’s up again at four that afternoon for the next shift. If there is no next shift, I’ll sleep until about six, unless there is something to do, and the only reason I get up at six is because of dinner. One has to eat you know.
When I have a night off I’ll sleep from anywhere between 12 or 2, and that’s when things get specific. If i go to bed early (early being 10 to 12 at night), I’m bound to wake up as early as 5am. If I sleep later, say two in the morning, I’ll be asleep all the way until I have to work, and if not that, until someone comes in, throws something at my head, and tells me to stop being lazy.
However that’s all irrelevant back story, now for the uncomfortable stuff. I am a paranoid person, and find it hard trusting people. If something doesn’t seem right and I can’t explain it sufficiently, it sits in the back of my mind festering until it gets out of control. Say someone doesn’t reply to an email I sent them, I’ll start getting paranoid that they are avoiding me and I’ll dwell on it and start to really believe they mightn’t like me anymore.
Another thing I’ve found is, a few people I used to consider trustworthy have, for lack of a better word, betrayed my trust while at the same time reaffirming it with lines such as “you’re one of my best friends”. Now, because of this, I’ve found myself pulling back and feeling scared when I’m talking to someone I trust and they use that line to strengthen their statement. I instantly go into paranoia mode and think they are lying to me, or something bad is happening.
I am in no way trying to justify the paranoia I have, it’s for the most part irrational (though a lot of what I’ve been paranoid about in the past has been true…), and I do try to fight it. However, in cases like yesterday, it affected my sleep. I was paranoid about everything, and spent the whole day in my house watching movies and video games when I could of been out hanging with people. Then last night, I went to bed at the humble hour of three in the morning. Normally that late I just drop to sleep so I’m perfectly fine waking up and getting ready for work. Today, I wasn’t able to get to sleep until shortly after seven. I was wide awake the whole time, and ended up doing some reading, but that still didn’t help. There seemed nothing I could do but lie there and wait for the sleep to come. This as such, left my mind free to race through all my thoughts, and feed my paranoid ideas. It’s a downward spiral.
The Paranoia induced Insomnia by ZombieSkittles, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 2.5 Australia License.
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