from Alex alex@humorimage.com
to info@zombieskittles.com
date Sat, Oct 1, 2011 at 2:01 AM
subject Things that I’ve found about your site zombieskittles.com

Hello dear site owner,

I was looking at your website zombieskittles.com – great job you have done there – I like it.

But then I saw that your site can’t be found in Google as well as it should be.
As I’m a SEO (search engine optimization) freak I found some things that could be improved at zombieskittles.com :
1) Your site pagerank is only 3 – you can improve it easily
2) You have no backlinks – you should get some more
3) You have 635 pages already in google – looks like that’s not all
You have many things on your page that I would improve to get better rankings in Google. Wrote some helpful tips what you could do. Take a look here:
http://www.seoupgrader.com/zombieskittles.com _seo_facts.html

If you have any questions feel free to contact me
Alex

from James Clark tf2jtc@gmail.com
to Alex
date Thu, Oct 6, 2011 at 12:19 AM
subject Re: Things that I’ve found about your site zombieskittles.com

Thank you sir for your helpful pointers, but I have a more pressing issue at hand. Prey tell, do you have any creams for my penis? It’s terribly sore right now.

Anything you can recommend would be great.
-James

Now I get my fair share of spam emails. However, what I’ve been getting seems to have devolved into some form of I don’t know what. I thought I’d leave them here for you to judge.

Big penis:like a:girl!

Make your winky bulging.

Enlarge your penis up to 3 per month!

Big penis is real!

It's just cool! Have a cool penis

Just so you know, these are the entire body of each email. These are not excerpts, you are reading the whole thing.

As part of a post on NotGamers, I sent a question to Robin Walker at Valve Software, only to receive an out of office email saying to contact Gabe Newell about anything TF2 related. I sent the same email to him, to get this reply:

I am out of the office starting Feb. 12th (but on email). For general issues, e-mail scott@valvesoftware.com. For marketing or press issues, e-mail lombardi@valvesoftware.com.  To complain about HL-2 Ep 3 taking too long, email laidlaw@valvesoftware.com.  To complain about L4D2 not taking long enough, email toml@valvesoftware.com.  To complain about the crafting/lack of crafting in TF2, email robin@valvesoftware.com  To compliment the writers of Valve for creating funny out of office replies, email lazygadabouts@valvesoftware.com.  I’ll be back in Seattle Feb. 21st.

I couldn’t help but laugh. Seems they have their fan base pretty much covered.

Today, I received an interesting email in not just one but BOTH of my email accounts:

ATM INTERNATIONAL CREDIT SETTLEMENT
OFFICE OF THE DIRECTOR OF OPERATION
OFFICE OF THE PRESIDENCY
DEAR FRIEND
THIS IS TO NOTIFY YOU THAT WE HAVE VERIFIED YOUR CONTRACT
INHERITANCE FILE AND FOUND OUT THAT WHY YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED YOUR PAYMENT
IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOT FULFILLED THE OBLIGATIONS GIVEN TO YOU IN RESPECT
OF YOUR CONTRACT/INHERITANCE PAYMENT.
SECONDLY, WE HAVE BEEN INFORMED THAT YOU ARE STILL DEALING WITH THE NONE
OFFICIALS IN THE BANK,ALL YOUR ATTEMPT TO SECURE THE RELEASE OF THE FUND
TO YOU.WE WISH TO ADVISE YOU THAT SUCH AN ILLEGAL ACT LIKE THIS HAVE TO
STOP IF YOU WISH TO RECEIVE YOUR PAYMENT SINCE WE HAVE DECIDED TO BRING A
SOLUTION TO YOUR PROBLEM. RIGHT NOW WE HAVE ARRANGED YOUR PAYMENT THROUGH
OUR SWIFT CARD PAYMENT CENTER ASIA PACIFIC, THAT IS THE LATEST INSTRUCTION
FROM MR. PRESIDENT,UMARU MUSA YAR’ADUA (GCFR) PRESIDENT FEDERAL REPUBLIC
OF NIGERIA AND FEDERAL MINISTRY OF FINANCE.
THIS CARD CENTER WILL SEND YOU AN ATM CARD WHICH YOU WILL USE TO WITHDRAW
YOUR MONEY IN ANY ATM MACHINE IN ANY PART OF THE WORLD,BUT THE MAXIMUM IS
ONE THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS PER DAY, SO IF YOU LIKE TO RECIEVE YOUR
FUND THIS WAY PLEASE LET US KNOW BY CONTACTING THE CARD PAYMENT CENTER AND
ALSO SEND THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION TO HIM IN ORDER TO PROCEED
IMMEDIATELY:
1. FULL NAME
2. PHONE AND FAX NUMBER
3. ADDRESS WERE YOU WANT THEM TO SEND
THE ATM CARD TO(P.O BOX NOT ACCEPTABLE)
4. YOUR AGE AND CURRENT OCCUPATION
5. A COPY OF YOUR IDENTIFICATION
HOWEVER, KINDLY FIND BELOW THE CONTACT PERSON:
MR, HENRY ONYEMEM
DIRECTOR, ATM PAYMENT
DEPARTMENT
EMAIL: atmpaymentcard49@gmail.com
THE ATM CARD PAYMENT CENTER HAS BEEN MANDATED TO ISSUE OUT
($8,300,000.00) AS PART PAYMENT FOR THIS FISCAL YEAR 2009. ALSO FOR YOUR
INFORMATION, YOU HAVE TO STOP ANY FURTHER COMMUNICATION WITH ANY OTHER
PERSON(S)OR OFFICE(s) TO AVOID ANY HITCHES IN RECEIVING YOUR ATM PAYMENT.
FOR ORAL DISCUSSION, I CAN BE REACHED ON OR EMAIL ME BACK AS SOON AS YOU
RECEIVE THIS IMPORTANT MESSAGE FOR FURTHER DIRECTION AND ALSO UPDATE ME ON
ANY DEVELOPMENT FROM THE ABOVE MENTIONED OFFICE.
PLEASE HAVE IN MIND THAT BECAUSE OF IMPOSTORS, WE HEREBY ISSUED YOU OUR
CODE OF
CONDUCT, WHICH IS (ATM-128) SO YOU HAVE TO INDICATE THIS CODE WHEN
CONTACTING THE
CARD CENTER BY USING IT AS YOUR SUBJECT.
BEST REGARDS,
DR HARRISON MWAKYEMBE
CHIEF AUDITOR TO THE PRESIDENT
FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

I just HAD to reply:

HELLO DR HARRISON MWAKYEMBE, AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR WARNING. I HOPE THAT ONCE THIS IS ALL CLEARED YOU MAY BUY YOURSELF A KEYBOARD WITH A FUNCTIONING SHIFT AND CAPS LOCK KEY, SO YOU CAN TYPE LIKE A NORMAL PERSON.

I APOLOGIZE FOR CONTINUING BUSINESS WITH THE NONE OFFICIALS, I FEEL LIKE I STABBED YOU IN THE BACK. LIKE I MARRIED YOU THEN CHEATED ON YOU BY SLEEPING WITH BOTH YOUR MOTHER AND SISTER AT THE SAME TIME (ITS NOT INCEST IF IM NOT RELATED TO EITHER OF THEM). THEIR WORK WITH PERFECTING A TELEPORTATION DEVICE INTERESTS ME THOUGH; THE IDEA OF MODIFYING A GUITAR HERO CONTROLLER TO DO SUCH A THING AMAZES ME TREMENDOUSLY, I MEAN, WHERE DOES THE FLUX CAPACITOR FIT? DO YOU OFFER ANYTHING SIMILAR TO THAT?

BEFORE I DO ANY OF THIS THOUGH, I NEED TO KNOW ONE THING; THAT ONE WILD NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER, DID IT MEAN ANYTHING FOR YOU? DID SPARKS FLY FOR YOU AS THEY DID FOR ME? WHAT IM TRYING TO GET TO, IS THAT I LOVE YOU, PLEASE LOVE ME BACK.

Not the best reply I could of done, but I like it none the less. The teleportation bit was an idea courtesy of my friend KASE.
The email reply automatically redirects to the atmpayment gmail account as opposed to the original “sender”, so I sent it to both. However, I immediately got sent a notification that the original email cannot be sent to permanently. Obviously fake, which makes this funnier. I’m waiting for the reply that will probably never come, but if it does come, hopefully lulz will ensue.