first

I have to admit, I was a late bloomer when it came to my first kiss…and the act of losing my virginity for that matter, but we’ll get to that one another time. Why did I just call that an act? I have no idea.

The scene unfolded during the Gawler Christmas Festival. I had just finished work and a semi-regular customer, her name escapes me nowadays but I know it started with a J (For all intent and purposes of the story, she shall be called Jess), happened to be outside of BP when I left. She was a curvy girl, and the few times she’d come in she would stop and chat to me for a little while before heading off again. Saying hi, we ended up introducing ourselves properly and as can happen, we naturally fell into hanging out with each other for the day,
We walked up and down looking at the stalls, and I was being a random idiot, swinging around a plastic sword and being childish. To me this was just someone who knew me to a degree as the “guy behind the counter at BP”, and she had nothing better to do at the time. I was in the mood to go watch a movie, and invited her along with me. We went to the cinema, and the only movie that was about to start that neither of us had seen was “Borat”.

Going in to the theatre and sitting down, Jess brought out her phone to check the time. Quick as a flash, I had it in my hands and was looking through pictures and photos. I had a habit of doing that, as I’m sure others do too. Looking through, I found porn, which made me laugh a bit, then the movie started so we had to quiet down. She asked for her phone, and being in a mood where defiance seemed funny to me, I refused. A small struggle ensued but she still couldn’t get it off me. I held it tauntingly in front of her, and she reached for it only for me to playfully hold it away from her hand. Jess kept moving towards it but I held it out behind me, out of her reach. We were both facing each other in our seats so I could make sure the phone was kept away. Jess moved forward until she couldn’t anymore without ramming face first into me. She paused, and I joked that she was too chicken to get her phone.
Misinterpretation was the key here. She thought I was flirting with her, and I guess to a degree I was, because she whispered, “You think so?” and a split second later she was latched on my face like a face hugger from Alien. Except instead of laying an egg inside me that would inevitably hatch into a predatory alien and burst through my ribcage causing excruciating pain quickly followed by death, her tongue explored the inside of my mouth.

Going back a few steps, this was not how I expected my first kiss to happen. I always expected it to be an awkward event. I’d take a girl out for dinner, and after the date, we’d hug, then there’d be that awkward kiss that isn’t quite a peck, but isn’t exactly a long-lasting event. This was nothing like that. I was being orally probed by a randomly girl I’d really only met that day and I had no idea what to do. So I kissed her back. I had no idea what I was doing, so I let her go for gold while I just mirrored whatever she did.
All the while, Borat was playing in the background. We’d momentarily glance to see what was happening, before tuning back into the more important matter at hand. I was starting to fall into a groove here, so i just went with instinct, taking control of the kissing and checking her dental work. Suddenly, hand went on breast. I startled myself with that, and didn’t know what to do. She stopped kissing me long enough to whisper, “Oh naughty,” in my ear, and we took that moment to tune back into what was happening in Borat:

…We didn’t know what to do. More importantly, I didn’t.
Do I keep kissing her? This whole scene is pretty disgusting, but I was enjoying kissing her. This is sort of hypnotizing though; I want to look away but I can’t. Oh god, what is that? Why is this happening? I want to cry.

This was the basic thought pattern going through my head, along with some awkward laughter from both of us. We kept making out for awhile but it felt too weird. We ended up stopping in favour of watching the rest of the movie, and that was it. Afterwards we swapped phone numbers and parted ways, but after some sporadic text messaging we lost contact with each other and that was that I guess. I don’t know where Jess is, and as you can see I don’t even remember her real name, but I remember this day pretty well, and that says something I guess (that Borat is effective at killing the mood in any situation).

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