All was as should be in the town of a name I am too stoned to remember. Children played with their pet chickens on the snow covered footpaths, wearing shorts as it was a forty degree day. Parents sat in the kitchen sipping hot cups of mustard pudding and reading the local newspaper called the Decipherer, but called the Dick for short. Life was good, that was, before the pies attacked.
They marched over the hill, armed with their poison-tipped teeth and hunger for blood. As the villagers looked, it became apparent that these weren’t your ordinary three-bucks-with-sauce meat pies, but something much more dangerous; vegetarian pies. Oh yes, as this discovery came into each villagers mind, they thought of the horrible peas, corn, cauliflower, and slight traces of meat that filled the disgusting creatures. For those that did not realise, the pies had a leader… T’was not pie, chicken, or eskimo, but a hideous microwave accident gone wrong.
Later on, upon it’s death, I got a good look at it. Part cheap-sliced cheese, part toast, part egg white, and a bit of melted plastic, the creature was obviously someone’s breakfast. My guess was that the creator had put it in a 240 volt microwave oven on high for one minute too long, causing it to fuse and form this creature of pure evil. Too disgusting to eat and too tasty to give to his mother in law, it was cast out into the garbage forever, journeying around being known as ‘pre-chewed crap’.
It was this sad life that drove it to a life of killing. Watching it during the battle, I saw what I thought was a leg of ham as it’s weapon of choice. When I got to look closely I found it was actually a pink and green teddy bear which appeared to be made from breath mints and half cooked pancakes. You know I had pancakes breakfast yesterday, with maple syrup and ice cream. It was really nice and…oh sorry, back on with the story then.
So there they were, hundreds of then, waiting on that hill. Mostly soldiers, but a few medics were spread out, just in case. I discovered afterwards that each medic was carrying a tub of pastry and some sachets of sauce plasma. What is sauce plasma you ask? It’s a combination of tomato, gravy, barbecue, soy, mint, apple, and worchestorshire sauce that will replicate any pie’s ‘blood type’. The villagers, holding their rolled up Dicks, stood waiting for the inevitable attack.
Moment, minutes, even a car whose owner forgot to apply the handbrake on, rolled by, but still no attack. It appeared as though the army of gas station meals were waiting for something; but what?
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