Loochaquableycharbingbing lucelpiorkajaflor quack quak quaserfickleshichegurulee quing cheklepil.
Ok, I’m back. For those that didn’t understand what he just said, it was something along the lines of “Dead pies littered the streets of the town who’s name I still can’t remember, but he still hadn’t defeated their leader, the microwave accident.”
Holding his butterfly net defensively, Morton watched as the accident who we will name Lucy, approached.
Ripping out it’s teddy bear, Lucy launched himself at Morton, but Morton quickly dodged. After several failed attacks, Lucy started to become frustrated. He threw his arm back, and with an almighty swing, launched the teddy bear at Morton, but once again Morton moved around it with ease. “Soochyvartion budater!” This is what Morton said, roughly translated “Your attempts are futile, I will end your evil now!”
While he said this, the teddy was still sailing through town, and flew into a restaurant. Not just any restaurant mind you, but the McDonalds Family Restaurant. It flew in there and his something, or someone in this case. It hit a massive guy, who was busy filling up on double quarter pounders, fries and chocolate thick shakes.
Now when he was hit by the bear, he didn’t even notice and just continued stuffing his face. But it had a ricochet effect, sending the back back in the direction of Lucy at 60km/h at an upward angle of 10° and a horizontal angle of 3°. What does this mean? Absolutely nothing except that it hurt when it hit Morton in the back of the head!
With Morton now unconscious it looked as though Lucy would win and that we would be doomed. Stepping over a trolley boy who was having an epileptic seizure, he moved in to the kill. Pulling a series of sharpened swizzle sticks from it’s chest, Lucy dove, weapon pointed down, to deliver the final blow. But something stopped him. It was an empty coke bottle that was possessed by the ghost of Jay Leno. This annoyed Lucy, who was just about to knock it out of the way when he was hit in the guy with a paint ball. Wherever the gut is.
Now a little history on paint growers. Paint growing is a gardening sport. Plant a paint seed, water it, watch it grow, then pick the ripened paintballs. Now the plant can grow up to 1.25 metres high on average, with the record being 1.56 metres (currently held by Mark Whitcomb [he was my maths teacher who gained notoriety among my friends when he found me not doing work and asked me what it was like to watch paint grow, mixing up “grass grow” and “paint dry”. Hilarity]), and the balls are generally 12cm in diameter. So when one is thrown and hits you, it hurts!
So the paintballs rained down into Lucy, as Tom (the paint grower) continued to shoot them at it [anyone notice that I wrote Lucy as both a “he” and an “it” at various times? CONTINUITY PEOPLE.], using a gun made from bark chips, rice bubbles and an assortment of crayons and paddle pop sticks.
Lucy was knocked to the ground, and Morton had gained consciousness again [notice how everything is starting to fall into place? Almost as if the writer were trying to end the story as effortlessly as possible…]. So picking up his butterfly net, he killed Lucy in a way that would never be shown in a children’s picture book [and therefore wouldn’t have to be explained in detail].
Ok I’m sorry, I lied. Lucy did not die from something involving vacuum cleaner attachments and a sausage dog. But hey, it sounded funny.
So the town as saved. Since Jay Leno, Morton, and the marshmallow were foreigners, they didn’t stay for the inevitable party that was held. We were safe once again…
But for how long? [obligatory open ended sentence]
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