spam

I’ve been receiving an awful lot more spam in the past month than I have for all of time. As such, here’s the next “Spam Saga” email and reply. I hope this one gets replied back to.

Dear Customer,
We have been waiting for you to contact us for your Package that is been
registered with us for shipping to your residential location. We had
thought that your sender gave you our contact details. It may interest you
to know that a letter is also added to your package. However, we cannot
quote its content to you via email for privacy reasons. We understand that
the content of your package itself is a Bank Draft worth of
Eight Hundred Thousand US Dollars). As you know, FedEx does not ship money
in CASH or in CHEQUES but BANK DRAFTS are shippable. The package is
registered with us for mailing by your colleague as claimed, and your
colleague explained that he is from the United States but he is here in
Nigeria for a three (3) month Survey Project as he works with a
construction firm in Nigeria West Africa. We are sending you this email
because your package is been registered on a Special Order. What you have
to do now, is to contact our Delivery Department for immediate dispatch of
your package to your residential address. Note that as soon as our
Delivery Team confirms your information, it will take three (3) working
days (72Hrs) for your package to arrive its designated destination.
For your information, the VAT & Shipping charges as well as Insurance fees
have been paid by your colleague before your package was registered. Note
that the payment that is made on the Insurance, Premium & Clearance
Certificates, are to certify that the Bank Draft is not a Drug Affiliated
Fund (DAF) neither is it funds to sponsor Terrorism in your country. This
will help you avoid any form of query from the Monetary Authority of your
country. However, you will have to pay a sum of £150 GBP which is
equivalent to $200 USD to the FedEx Delivery Department being full payment
for the Security Keeping Fee of the FedEx Company as stated in our privacy
terms & condition page. Also be informed that your colleague wished to pay
for the Security Keeping charges, but we do not accept such payments
considering the fact that all items & packages that is registered with us
have a time limitation and we cannot accept payment without knowing when
you will be picking up the package or even respond to us.. So we cannot
take the risk to have accepted such a payment incase of any possible
demurrage. Kindly note that your colleague did not leave us with any
further information. We hope that you respond to us as soon as possible
because if you fail to respond until the expiry date of the foremost
package, we may refer the package to the British Commission for Welfare as
the package do not have a return address. Kindly contact the delivery
department (FedEx Delivery Post) with the details given below:
Contact Person: Mr David Blaire.
Email: p_awards009@yahoo.com.hk
Kindly complete the below form and send it to the email address given
above. This is mandatory to reconfirm your Postal address and telephone
numbers.
FULL NAMES:
TELEPHONE:
POSTAL ADDRESS:
CITY:
STATE:
COUNTRY:
As soon as your details are received, our delivery team will give you the
necessary payment procedure so that you can effect the payment for the
Security Keeping Fees. As soon as they confirm your payment of £150 GBP
which is equivalent to $200 USD, they shall immediately dispatch your
package to the designated address. It usually takes 72 Hours being an
express delivery service. Note that we were not instructed to email you,
but due to the high priority of your package we had to inform you as your
sender did not leave us with his phone number because he stated that he
just arrived Engla nd and he was not on phone yet. We indeed personally
sealed your Bank Draft and we found your email contact in the attached
letter as the recipient of the foremost package. Ensure to contact the
delivery department with the email address and ensure to fill the above
form as well to enable successful reconfirmation.
All responses must be forwarded to: p_awards009@yahoo.com.hk
Yours Faithfully,
Mrs. Rita Eduvie.
FedEx Online Management Team

So I have a package registered to come here? To me? There’s obviously a mistake; that package wasn’t supposed to come to me.

Hello Mrs. Eduvie, and thank you for your email.
However, the package isn’t mean to come here. See, can you keep a secret? The package doesn’t contain the money you’ve specified, but actually 800,000 dollars worth of cocaine. That package is meant to be delivered to my middle man, who goes by the name Mr. Foster. He works for your company so he can get hold of any mail, ensuring the contents of my package don’t get detected before we get it.
Packages sent with the intent of being received by Mr. Foster are clearly marked as going to your company, so I can only assume that the registration is a clerical error of which you are responsible for. Such mistakes are not tolerated in my line of work, and I would appreciate your guarantee that this will not happen again. I deliver my wares to many high ranking officials in the Australian Government, which in return guarantees me and my Islamic “co-workers” immunity to carry on with our activities against the United States. Further mistakes may jeopardise our efforts, and we both don’t want someone having to come to Nigeria to “deal” with your company, do we?

Please ensure Mr. Foster gets the package quickly and with minimal knowledge of this transaction to be spread to any third party. Delete this email and any trace of evidence that could be used against us. As I mentioned before, we have connections to various Governments and officials, so any attempts at blackmail or notifying the police will lead to a jihad being declared on your company.

Glory to Allah.

This time I got help from a rather creative friend with a few details such as the links to terrorism, and the majority of the start of the final paragraph. We expect the police to come knocking on our door about our alleged terrorist threats against FedEx, whatever the case. Should be fun!

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